First Day of Preschool

Caleb is turning three this fall, and I’ve been dreading this day for years – his first day of preschool.

Actually it was a decision Jon and I waffled on for a long time – being in the shop means I could easily keep him home with me for another year, and I would’ve loved to, but with kindergarten coming up, I wanted him to be prepared.

If you’ve had the chance to bump into him in the shop, you know he’s a quiet kid. He’s so shy that sometimes people ask if he talks, which he does, but just only in very specific situations. I think now as a parent of a shy child, I immediately love anyone who can make Caleb smile the first time they meet – few and far between, but a sign of a truly understanding soul.

I feel like the Asian parent in me should be “forcing” him to be a bit more responsive when adults are interacting with him, out of politeness, but I can also distinctly remember the feeling of being very shy as a young child, and now as a parent, I want to give Caleb a bit more space. Jon and I chose this shop with new faces streaming in and out everyday, not him.

Sometimes people say he’ll grow out of it, and I have no idea if that’s the case, or if I even want it to be the case. I never want him to miss out on something because he’s shy, but I hope he just comes into his own whenever he’s ready. Sometimes the weird people are the most interesting ones.

Another mom once told me about having “moments” as a parent, those really painful and deep moments when you have some sort of realization or worry that you know is going to be with you forever. She, of course, is a super mama, so most of her moments involve other kids being bullies or things outside of her control.

I remember one of the first times I left him at the church nursery with me waiting in just the next room, probably around 1 year old, and at a certain point I heard him crying. I realized that he had been standing facing the door, staring silently, working up to the tears for several minutes without anyone noticing, not knowing how to ask for help, and I had this unbearable and sinking feeling that I had abandoned him. It’s a fine line between giving him opportunity to grow up and toughen up, and giving him all the security he needs. (Is it a fine line? Really?? I have no idea.)

When we first got the cottage, we started attending a new church, and I was a bit worried about how Caleb was going to handle it there. A few months in, and one Sunday I picked him up and he had tears in his eyes, just waiting for me to pick him up Those feelings of abandonment (i.e. me abandoning him) rushed back, and the teacher, who normally he really likes, said he wasn’t sure what happened that day.

When we got home, a few minutes in, Caleb threw up all over the floor. As the parent of a child who has thrown up literally once in his life (this time), it was a bit shocking, but it was also a bit of a relief to know that Caleb’s alright on his own; he just needed to get something out of his system.

So today is his first day at his Montessori. I have no idea what I’m going to do with all my time now. All this freedom! As Jon says, it’s going to be a big transition for both of us.

He’s going to be fine, I know. I left him holding the hand of his teacher, and I’m enjoying a slice of stale carrot cake for breakfast, counting down the hours until 3:30.